Darkest Secrets, Lightest Thoughts
by mml94
Summary: I told you things I told nobody else. Things like how I was terrified of being a father. Like how I had once been terrified of marriage. I spilled my deepest, darkest secrets to you. One-Shot. Might turn into a Two-Shot. JR xXx YG. Don't like don't read.


**Disclaimer: I don't own the Alex Rider series.**

Just in case you don't cop it, this is a narrative by John Rider.

**--**

"Your wife. Helen. She's very pretty".

That was the first real thing you said to me. Outside of a mumbled greeting when we'd been introduced, this was the first time I'd heard you address me properly.

"You think about her often?" you said. You seemed aware of how awkward you sounded and you looked at the ground. It was strange, seeing you like that. Any time I saw you at the academy you were either beating the tar out of another student in combat or walking the halls as if it was your god given right to be there. Now you were embarrassed and awkward.

"Yes, I do", I replied, "I miss her dreadfully".

"Really?" you asked, sounding surprised. I suppose it was a surprise to you that I wasn't totally emotionless. I wondered if you had anybody you missed. Probably not. The staff had told me about your orphaning.

"Really" I said. You were still standing in the doorway of my class. You didn't seem to want to come in or to leave. So, I asked politely "Where are you supposed to be right now?"

"The firing range" you answered. You took that as your cue to leave. Without another word you retreated, leaving me listening to your quiet footsteps. I wondered where you'd even seen Helen. Then I remembered the picture in my wallet. I took it out and smiled at it for a minute. Deep down I realised talking to you felt like betraying Helen.

* * *

At that stage you were just another Scorpia trainee about the place. And I was just another instructor. But even then you were special. Scorpia's golden boy. The youngest and best they'd ever had. A real star. Everybody knew you but you seemed oblivious to your status. And you had no friends. That was the part I really noticed.

You were quiet. You didn't make jokes like the other recruits. You didn't seem to want friends. Anyone who approached you was coldly rebuffed. I guess it annoyed people because soon you had enemies. Lots of them.

But still, you seemed to like Scorpia. I never saw you with anybody. You were always alone. And you seemed to like it better that way. I kept thinking to myself that you were just shy. But I don't think you were really. I think you liked being solitary. I couldn't believe it though. You were good looking and very talented. If you had wanted, you could have slept with any woman there. But instead you wanted to be alone.

It was strange really. You would have had so many friends but you didn't want any at all.

I guess we weren't so different really. Whenever Julia Rothman hosted one of her ghastly balls we were both nowhere to be found. We both usually disappeared to our own quiet places. We never met each other on those nights but I remember thinking about you, wondering where you were waiting for the night to be over. I saw you around the island. Sometimes I saw you eating breakfast alone. I once saw you being waylaid by the other trainees. You were alone then too and you still mopped the floor with them. But in the fight you damaged one of the rooms.

That was when Rothman caught wind of what was happening and she really considered pairing us off. She told me she would hand you over to me individually to train in everything if there was another major incident. For the other trainees safety, not your on. I think we all knew you could look after yourself against those numb skulls. In the weeks before you came to me I kept an eye on you, two when I could spare them.

We even spoke again. You asked me why I was looking at you strangely. I shrugged. That annoyed you, I could tell by the way your eyes flashed. You thought I was there to protect you. But I stood back when you got into fights with the others. Only once I was actually present after one of your fights. And that was when you killed another trainee.

* * *

I remember it well. It was dark and I had left my room to go to the toilet. It was along the way there that I heard a bump. Then a thud.

It was coming from the trainee wing and I knew instinctively it had something to do with you. I sprinted to your room but I was too late. I flipped on the lights just as you smashed the heel of your hand into his face. You broke his neck.

We both knew that from the sickening crunch. The snap the bone gave. And he just went limp on the floor, a puppet with the strings cut off. You looked straight at me. You seemed totally unperturbed by the corpse on the floor of you room. I swear, just for a second, your lip trembled. But if it did happen you suppressed it so quickly I wasn't sure if it did.

I smiled reassuringly at you but you didn't smile back. You raised an eyebrow as if to say 'What? Don't you kill people and leave them lying on your floor every night?'. I frowned at you and raised one of my eyebrows in return. Then I left to the toilet. You disappeared to a quiet place of yours and I suppose someone must have heard the scuffle because your 'friend' wasn't left there long.

* * *

You were give a caution. A caution. For fuck sake, if someone in MI6 killed another operative they'd be gone. And you were simply cautioned.

You were given a hearing. And between the night-time incident and the hearing, you weren't allowed train. So you ran. You ran from sun rise 'til sunset. It was almost as if you thought you could sweat a pardon out.

I was lonely on that island. I'd been hurt on an assignment and I had nothing to do but lift weights and run. Often we ran opposite directions around the island. It was during that time that we spoke again.

I was in the gym and you entered. It was one of the few rainy days on Malagasto. I think you would have run outside anyway but you made the choice not to. You went to the gym instead.

As soon as you walked in, the two trainees who were lifting weights left. They wouldn't even look at you. No-one would. The Amish have a word for it. Shunning. And good lord were you shunned. No-one would look at you, talk to you, acknowledge you in anyway.

It was an attempt to make you break. To make you fold. But you simply shunned them back. You ignored being ignored. And you did it in a way that made them grudgingly respect you.

I was running on one treadmill and you took the one beside me. You could have chosen one further away. But you didn't. You simply didn't.

"Aren't you going to leave as well?" you asked. You did that raising an eyebrow thing again. You started your machine and I let you question sink into the air around us.

"Why would I? You're not contagious and I'm enjoying my exercise" I replied. After that neither of us said anything. We were comfortable with the silence wrapped around us. We had an understanding.

You could have simply left it at that, even if you were the tiniest bit lonely. You could have been satisfied with our little conversations, few and far between as they were. You could have left it. But you didn't.

* * *

It was always at night when you seeked me out. It was always when you were sure I was alone. It was always while the others slept. I stayed up 'til insane hours, thinking about Helen and reading anything I could get my hands on. I always left my door open at night and I'd glance up. And there you would be. You never announced yourself but I always knew when you were there.

You'd make some comment about the book I was reading, usually to ruin the ending for me. I still don't know how you knew what I was reading. Or how you'd read so many books. Maybe you hadn't. It made me laugh, the way you'd half smile at me and drop some bombshell about the plot. I would say something in reply, usually something minimal. It didn't matter why you'd come. You just did. Every night.

Maybe I should have kicked you out. If it was under different circumstances, I probably would have. But it wasn't under different circumstances. This was Malagasto where I had to be on guard 24/7. I might not have had many friends in England but I missed them. Especially Helen. I was lonely. Maybe you were lonely too. You never said. Maybe I was just a distraction from your hearing. But I like to think it was because we were both lonely.

So we talked.

* * *

"When my mother died, that was it. That was what spurred me into action. So I stowed on the first train I could find. I moved and moved, always moving forward. Never looking back. And that's how I ended up here" you said to me.

I nodded to you.

You asked about Helen a lot. You seemed to want to know her. So I told you everything. The way she made the best chocolate cake in the world but couldn't do anything else in the kitchen. The way she grew flowers and herbs in the tiny garden of our shitty little flat. The way she smelt like jasmine every night.

I told you things I told nobody else. Things like how I was terrified of being a father. Like how I had once been terrified of marriage. I spilled my deepest, darkest secrets to you.

In return, you told me some of yours. But I don't think it was even the tip of the ice berg. You would always have your secrets and I could never hope to wring them all from you.

Then one night, things changed.

"So", I began casually, "do you have a romantic interest in anyone?"

You were sitting on the end of my bed and you nodded. You looked at the ceiling then back at the floor, avoiding my eyes.

"Who is it?" I asked lightly. I wasn't trying to put you on the spot. Honest. I just wanted to know.

"Is she part of Scorpia?" I asked. I know I was prying but you were just so secretive I needed something, anything to reassure me of your humanity.

"'S an assassin. That's not the problem" you mumbled. I couldn't believe it. You were mumbling. You. Usually you had perfect speech.

"Then what is?"

You ignored the question. Instead of answering you just ran. You left faster than I could comprehend. I just sat there, surprised. Later, while I lay in bed at an insane hour I thought about you.

* * *

When we were finally paired off, it didn't take me long to figure out who it was you liked. What you had been so embarrassed about.

Anytime I fought you, you held back. The one time I managed to rile you to anger you nearly broke my jaw with a cheap move you'd learned on the streets of Moscow. As I fell to the ground I watched your eyes. I thought that just for a minute I saw a flash of concern. But then again, maybe I'm just trying to make you more human in my memories. I stared up at you and lectured you about how that move was the lowest of the low. How you were Scorpia now, and how you were supposed to get the job done with class. You just raised an eyebrow at me.

The next time Rothman threw a garish ball you and I hid in one of the spare rooms together. We found the mini bar and it turned out that neither of us had much tolerance for alcohol of any sort.

That was the first time we ever kissed. It was clumsy. Our lips clashed together for a second, but it felt like much longer, and then yours were gone. And then you were gone.

Even the morning after I could still feel your electric touch on my lips. I felt like everyone was watching me. Like everyone somehow knew exactly what had happened. But, truth be told, I think even then I realized just how different a relationship with you would be like. You made me feel like I'd been struck by lightning with one kiss. Helen was good. You were better.

You avoided me at first. Even during lessons you were quieter than usual, subdued and sullen. It wasn't until the week after that you came back to my door. You leaned on the frame and raised an eyebrow. All things considered, you seemed to enjoy raising your eyebrow at me. It makes me smile these days.

I got up off my bed and kissed you. We were even. It wasn't really that shocking that for the first time that night our clothes ended up being shed.

By the time I awoke, you were already gone. You were never going to be the type I could watch while they slept. You were never going to hand around waiting for me. You were too strong and wilful for that. To be honest, I didn't mind in the slightest.

And that was when our relationship became a relationship. Time and again you managed to get into my room and under my sheets. We still talked. Some nights we were both too exhausted to do anything but sit on the floor silently. We were happy with silence. Silence was good. In fact, silence was golden.

* * *

But then I took a trip back to England to visit Helen. I meant to ask her for a divorce. To tell her everything. But she was expecting. How the hell could I even think about leaving my pregnant wife for my student? Maybe we were never destined to work. Maybe you were just a distraction. Hell, maybe I was just a distraction. I know it sounds callous but it's plausible.

I mean, sooner or later I would have had to go back to MI6. And left you behind. We would never have managed a real, genuine relationship. You were Scorpia's golden boy. I was your MI6 counterpart. For us to work, one of us would have had to change sides. You were never going to be able to leave Scorpia alive and I was no assassin.

After I saved your life in the jungle, I stopped leaving my door open. I closed it. I locked it. I tried to keep you out. You never spoke about it. You came every night with diligence and sat outside my locked door in silence. Everything you did was silent. You suffered silently too.

During lessons now you would look at me differently. As if I betrayed you. I want you to know I cried. After a particular lesson on nerve poisons when you were particularly distant I raced to my en suite and sat in the shower crying. Maybe I should have explained to you. That you were more than a quick lay. That you were so much more than a distraction. That you were the one I stayed up 'til insane hours thinking about.

And in Malta it nearly broke my heart to see you run away. After being so close to you. It was like losing my right hand. Until I lost you, I never realised how much I loved you. One does not love to breathe.

* * *

I kept your name out of my reports. That was my last effort to protect you. I couldn't bring myself to give them all your information. Helen noticed something was wrong but she never guessed what it was. I told her I was just glad to be back with her.

And for a time, I was. The calm, unstudied words she used were safe. Everything about Helen was safe. But after Alex's birth, I took some time off. I made my way to Malagasto and snuck onto the island. God knows how I wasn't detected. But I wasn't.

And I came to your room that time. Your door was closed but I went in anyway. You'd been told I died. But I don't think you really believed it. You were too clever for that. I slipped into your room and closed the door behind me. Even your former mentor returning from the 'death' didn't surprise you.

You were lying on your bed reading a book. You looked at me over the cover and raised an eyebrow. I smiled. You were reading Nineteen Eighty-Four. George Orwell. By the looks of it you were at the middle.

"After his release, Winston and Julia meet in a park. With distaste, they remember the "bad" feelings they once shared; they acknowledge having betrayed each other; they are apathetic. Torture and re-education were successful; Winston happily reconciled to his impending execution, and accepting the Party line about the past and the present. In his mind, he celebrates the false fact of a news bulletin reporting Oceania's recent, decisive victory over Eurasia. Winston imagines himself back at the Ministry of Love. He imagines the scene he created during his imprisonment of walking down the white hallway and being shot by the guard. He finally accepts that he loves Big Brother" I said, smiling at you.

You smiled at me and raised your other eyebrow.

"I know. I'm just re-reading it" you replied.

I chuckled softly. I was exhausted and filthy and looked a mess. But I didn't care. And you didn't either. We spent that night together. It was certainly memorable. And not just the sex. The talking. And the laughing. We both laughed. We listened to music together. We talked some more. I stayed 'til the morning. More than you ever did anyway.

The sun rose and I lay in bed with you. I rubbed your hair. It felt even softer than I'd ever imagined. We kissed. We talked some more. We had more sex. And then you had to leave for lessons. And I had to leave for my life. So that was how we parted. With a kiss and a smile and a promise that I would be back for you. I promised you that. And I'm sorry it didn't work like that.

* * *

The last time I saw you was two days before we were leaving for France. I told Helen I was going to visit Ash. Instead I left the house and waited for you. You came. I knew you were watching me. We met in the alley behind our house. You kissed me and told me Ash was going to try and blow our plane up.

I nodded. I didn't feel bad about not visiting Ash anymore.

I started to form a plan. And then it hit me. If I lived, Scorpia would know you told me. They'd kill you. So I kissed you one last time. I kissed you 'til I was sure both of us needed air. I kissed you with everything I had. One kiss that defined our relationship. It ended too soon.

Then I turned and ran. I ran from you. I turned my back on you to save you. I looked over my shoulder to get one last look at you. You looked confused. Hurt. But I stopped, just for a second and smiled at you. You smiled back. I raised an eyebrow. You copied me.

But behind the smile you were crying. It was one of the little things I could read from you. And all I could think of were your secrets. Secrets I would never know.

* * *

I died two days later. I died thinking of you and I. I died thinking of your electric taste. I died with you on my mind.

* * *

**Thank you for reading. Please Review. Should I do a second chapter with Yassen's POV?**


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